Saying No: A Skill and Guide

Written By Hiccup Psych

Saying no to opportunities is a skill that can be easier for some than others. It’s nonetheless one to practice while in graduate school as these years can easily become so busy. 

With required courses along with research and/or internships, your program requirements will consume many hours of your week. Further, with graduate school being a time in which mental health can worsen (e.g., Evans et al., 2018), it’s also important to take time for yourself. 

It can nonetheless be tempting to fill your calendar with more activities. Opportunities such as invitations to join research projects or student committees can seem like chances to further develop your CV or network - and saying yes to these can indeed be beneficial.

So, why, to what, when, and how should you say no?

WHY SAY NO?

As earlier stated, our time is limited. We want time to sleep, eat, and care for ourselves (e.g., mentally, emotionally, physically); we can’t perform well in other areas of our life long-term if we neglect these aspects. We also need to ensure we designate time towards required activities (e.g., research meetings, classes) and preparing for these (e.g., creating presentations, reviewing notes). Some individuals may also need to put time towards caregiving duties (e.g., children, aging family members). This therefore narrows the window of time available for us to take on additional work. 

Not only is our time limited, but what time we have available to us can vary greatly, fluctuating between different tasks at different periods of our lives (or throughout the year). For instance, during the first two years of my PhD, I was busy with classes in addition to research. This past year, I didn’t have classes, which meant more time to work on research or engage in other activities. This kind of fluctuation shows how deciding what one takes on is a personal matter based on individual circumstances. 

Hence, when you should say no is a personal decision. Saying no to tasks is a way to protect the time you need for what is important to you. But then, what opportunities should you say no to? 

WHAT SHOULD YOU SAY NO TO?

One external factor that can help you decide what to say no to is knowing whether and to what extent that task is likely to aid you with your goals. For instance, if a goal of mine is to take care of my mental health, ensuring I have time to attend counseling is important; this is something I will not say no to. Research-wise, if a goal of mine is to get a publication out during my PhD, ensuring I have time to dedicate to the project and all its tasks is important for me to prioritize. Something like joining a sports team, on the other hand, is not helpful towards any goal of mine and therefore is something I will say no to.

When goals of yours may be dependent on others’ evaluations, you may need to consider how these individuals perceive various tasks. If you want to become a professor, for example, you want to think about what hiring committees look for. Will they care more about your publications (be it the number or what journal they’re in) or your involvement in various associations? Tasks can vary in how ‘promotable’ they are, with others differing in how they value or recognize these tasks (e.g., Babcock et al., 2022).

Recognize the importance of tasks, be it to you or to others, given everything you say yes to means you also say no to a different opportunity. If you say yes to tasks that are not of value to you, you are saying no to the possibility of taking on tasks that are more valuable. This could look like taking on many committee roles and not leaving yourself enough time to conduct research, prepare for class, etc. This could alternatively look like you not performing well in those roles, leaving yourself feeling bad and/or a negative impression on the other members. 

WHEN SHOULD YOU SAY NO? 

So, when does one consider whether something is worth taking on? How can we know whether a task is something that will aid with your goals? 

As highlighted, recognizing what is important to you is key. This can start with understanding how much you value different aspects of your life; are you looking to achieve and maintain a balance between work/school/research and time spent on hobbies or with friends and family? Are you wanting to focus on building towards a dream job or career? Either option is valid but will have different implications with how much time you may want and need to spend on various activities. 

With regards to careers, you may want to consider speaking to those currently further along that trajectory to understand what is of value. For instance, if you wish to remain in academia, you can speak to your supervisor or other professors to understand what activities are valued at different stages. This can look like asking how teaching and service (e.g., being on committees) are valued on the job market compared to when one is seeking tenure; such may differ between disciplines, so speaking to someone in your field can be helpful to know what is most useful for reaching your goals. Or, if looking to work in roles outside of academia (e.g., think tanks, non-profits, industry), you may want to look for resources explaining what recruiters look for. You could ask about this at networking events, for example, or in informational interviews. 

You can also recognize that maybe certain opportunities have components that make taking them on relevant for you. For instance, service positions vary in the level of exposure they provide; those that serve the field (e.g., via national academic associations) may provide more networking opportunities than those aiding smaller institutions. Meanwhile, perhaps joining a particular research project will allow you the opportunity to learn new literature and/or methods, as well as what it’s like to work with certain individuals. In these cases, you can see how individual differences with tasks can guide decision-making. 

Nonetheless, our time is limited. While there can be different aspects of tasks that are attractive to you, consider whether you can take it on and perform at a level that you wish to. Maybe at this point of your graduate studies, you need to focus on doing well in classes and your internships; there may be a slower period during your studies in which you can then take on service positions or more research. Considering your schedule can help you discern whether a one-time event requiring a lot of preparation or an ongoing two-year commitment asking for five hours a month may be easier for you to take on. 

Something that can generally help you with figuring this out is to plan out your next year(s) based on deadlines and the goals you wish to meet. Obviously, you don’t know everything that can happen (i.e., medical or family emergencies can occur), but you can jot down what you are aware of. Charting out activities, breaking down tasks, and including some buffer time in there (in case of emergencies, delays, or generally underestimating how much time something can take) may let you know when and whether you can take on more. This is also an exercise you can revisit as time passes. 

HOW DOES ONE SAY NO?

Once you’ve figured out whether to say no to something, you need to determine how to say no. This is particular to tasks that you may have been asked to join personally (vs. seeing an open call for an opportunity in which you choose to apply/join). 

The relationship between you and the person asking may affect how you say no. For instance, you may find it easier to say no to closer friends compared to your supervisor or a professor. This may partially stem from concerns about whether your refusal may affect your relationship with them; you do not necessarily want to burn bridges if that could be a relationship you wish to draw upon later. Hence, how you say no may differ based on what your relationship is with them or what you would like it to be.

There are different ways to say no. For example, if you have no interest in performing this task at all, make sure you firmly decline. You can just say you are overcommitted at the moment and would not be able to provide the time or effort to perform the task well. Meanwhile, if the activity – or the organization it is part of - is one you are interested in when you cannot commit at the level they are requesting, you can ask if there are ways to be involved with less of a time commitment. To exemplify this, if you were asked to be an executive member of a committee, you can ask whether there are ways to be a more general member. Another way to say no, if you cannot take on anything, may be to ensure you thank them for thinking of you and possibly suggest someone else they can contact who may be interested/appropriate for it. This would demonstrate that you care about the success of this activity but cannot be the one to help ensure its success. 

All of the above examples provide methods to help keep a door open between you and the person/organization asking. With these and other ways of saying no, you can consider letting the person asking you if you would be interested in future opportunities (if true). You can state that you do not have capacity at the moment, but let them know a timeframe in which you may have the ability to take on more. You can also inform them of what types of opportunities you may be interested in so they can better understand what to contact you about. Regardless, if you find yourself free in the future and wanting to get engaged, you can always reach out to them later to ask whether there is a chance for you to work with them. 

RECOGNIZING THAT….

Saying no is a skill. It’s not something we are necessarily taught, and it can feel like we are letting down someone or disappointing others by doing so. Nonetheless, it is important to protect your time so that you can show up well with the things you do take on. It also makes your “yes” more valuable. 

My hope is that this blog post can be helpful in discerning why, to what, when, and how to say no. I particularly was inspired to write this blog by recent research that shows women and racialized minority group members (e.g., non-White individuals in North America) may more likely be asked to take on work that is not necessarily promotable or valued by others (e.g., Babock et al., 2022; Nance-Nash, 2020); while this work is important and should be valued, the fact that it is not and may be disproportionately requested from certain groups leads to inequity. Specifically, if certain individuals are asked to take on this work constantly, they can either lose time that they may spend on more ‘promotable’ tasks, or they can burnout by working more hours to accomplish all their promotable and non-promotable tasks. While it shouldn’t be on these individuals to have to protect their time, being able to say no is one strategy that can help create boundaries. It’s a skill that is useful when one is in graduate studies as well as beyond. 

References

About the Author

Janice Y. Lam (she/her) is a doctoral candidate in Organization Studies at the Schulich School of Business, York University (Toronto, Ontario, Canada). She previously earned her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology at Western University and her Master of Science in Organizational Behaviour and Human Resource Management at the Lazaridis School of Business, Wilfrid Laurier University. Using mixed methods, her research uses an equity, diversity, and inclusion lens to examine how societal and organizational structures impact individuals’ perceptions, reactions, and outcomes in the workplace.

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