The hidden story behind being a graduate student
I am a fraud. I am unqualified. I am here out of pure luck. I am an imposter. These are only a few of the constant things I have told myself while navigating my academic community. When I received my program acceptance letters, I was excited, but then self-doubt and panic started to settle in. What if the admissions department made a mistake? What if I was accidentally confused with someone else? These thoughts plagued my mind for months, right up until my program orientation. Then, I briefly thought, I belong here…. right?
I wanted to believe that, but at every turn, something would make me doubt that I belonged, and I fell back into my negative thoughts. I began comparing myself, thinking everyone in my cohort had more research experience, had a Master’s, had statistical knowledge, and had everything figured out. My lab mates could eloquently speak about their research in my lab meetings, but I struggled to coherently state my research interests. In my one-on-one meetings with my advisor, I had to ask her what she meant by anchors of measures; although she responded kindly, I felt embarrassed. I was so afraid of showing everyone that I did not belong here that I decided to stay quiet, nod my head in agreement, and smile. All while internally panicking because I was lost in the conversation and had to spend the next hour looking up half the words to piece together what I thought everyone else already knew.
This continued until I finally had enough courage to speak to someone from my cohort with whom I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable. I am a fraud. I am unqualified. I am here out of pure luck. I am an imposter. The thoughts I told myself I said out loud to her, and she said she felt the same. I felt a sudden relief; I was not the only one. I began to speak to other people in my program, and almost everyone had similar feelings and thoughts about themselves. No story was the same, but underneath them, everyone mentioned they felt lost in the academic community. We all felt like imposters at some point or another.
Imposter phenomenon has become a popular term for many individuals, but it is more commonly spoken about behind closed doors instead of openly among ourselves. Not openly speaking about these feelings creates a sense of isolation, leaving us alone with our negative thoughts and feelings. Had I not spoken to my peers, people currently going through a similar experience, I would have continued to ruminate in my self-doubt and panic rather than finding support from peers who could help me navigate this journey.
Graduate education is not an easy journey, it consists of confusion, rejection, and loneliness, but it also consists of fulfillment, excitement, and success. Although the imposter phenomenon is an individual mental process, the environment we create could make this process manageable or debilitating. The primary reason I wanted to write this blog post was to begin an open conversation of what I believe is a common experience for many students. I want us to create a positive space to help mediate some negative feelings of imposter phenomenon. By speaking openly about our struggles, we are allowing ourselves to be human.
To begin this conversation, I encourage all of those reading this to post a comment below of some rejection or perceived failure you have experienced thus far and own them. At the end of the day, rejections signify you overcame your imposter feelings and submitted that application, talk, paper, etc.
I can begin. I applied for the Ford Fellowship and was rejected. Back in January I decided not to submit an APS grant because I was burnt out and needed rest.
About the Author
Patricia Monique Sanchez is a PhD student at the University of Texas at Dallas. She is a first-generation Mexican American woman, raised in a rural border-town, Yuma, Arizona. Her passion alongside research is mentoring first generation students to aid in the mission of diversifying academia.
